We are in the last 30 days before our "Mini Pumpkin" becomes a Gadd forever. And while I am so excited for this event...I am feeling the impending loss of our middle baby girl.
So many have meant well by saying you have such a great thing to look forward to so it must help with the pain of loosing her. But you can't replace a child with another child. I was feeling so guilty but my dear friend and foster parent mentor explained to me: "You have to grieve this loss." Don't get me wrong, I will not let it steal my joy but I need to feel the pain and grieve loosing a memeber of our family.
There is just no words to describe how it feels to say goodbye to a baby you have loved as your own since they are 3 days old. I find myself not talking about it because sometimes it doesn't feel real...other days the reality of it takes my breath away.
Last Tuesday was our Sweet Pea's first unsupervised visit. It was the first time in 16 months she had ever been alone with her birth parents, let alone ride in a car with them. As I passed her off I saw how excited they both were to have their daughter all to themselves. I was smiling and sent her on her way and then as I drove off I felt like my chest was caving. As a parent you do everything you can to protect your children and that is what I have been doing for her for the the past year and a half but on this Tuesday morning I was suppose to just let my guard down and send her on her way for 6 hours(she's never seen them more than 2 hours at a time before now).
I find myself questioning why is this happening? What if everyone would have just done their jobs? Can I really trust these people with "my" baby? Will she be ok? Will she remember me? Why have I put our family through this?
And I know all the "right" answers but my heart is breaking and I am grieving. Please pray for this transition.
Oh my sweet Janna. I can't imagine the place you are in right now. I am so very sorry for the loss you are feeling. And yes it is a huge loss for your whole family and you MUST grieve. I am praying so hard for you ALL. I hope and pray I never have to feel that pain but as foster parents, we do take that risk. BUT oh how that risk is worth it. I know you wouldn't change the last year and a half of your lives with her. She needed you. You and Aaron bonding with her saved her from so much heartache. Your hearts will eventually mend but If she hadn't bonded with you from birth she would have never gotten over that. Her life is completely different now because you opened your hearts and home to her. I know God didn't bring you to this place to abandon you . . . He is right here with you. Call on HIM. Love you sweet friend
ReplyDeleteI'm going to grieve right along with the rest of the Gadd's. I love you guys with all of my heart and I love that sweet baby girl! May God continue to watch over her and put his arms and comfort you, Aaron, and kids.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine the grief you must be feeling... A friend of mine lost her 3yr old son a few years ago & I remember her talking about how suffering & pain is a microphone for the glory of God. I'm can't say that I would feel the same way in hers or your situation. But as she did, you have handled it with such grace. You are an amazing lady! Praying for continued strength & comfort!
ReplyDeleteI know you hear this all the time but you can never truly realize how much of an impact you've had on all these childrens' lives. Being in the position I'm in at work it kills me to see what happens to all these children who don't have someone like you in their life. God used you and Aaron for this position because he knew you all would be the perfect people for the job. I know having Pumpkin was a blessing to you and you could NEVER replace her but maybe this is God's way of telling you all that you all did such a great job with her that maybe there's another child out there that needs your help. You are the poster child for a foster parent. You love those kids as they were your biological children and that's what those kids needed. I could never say that I know what you are going through but I envy you for having the heart that you do. You are an amazing person.
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